This is a letter sent anonymously through one of my social media accounts and I can’t help but publish this. Everything that’s written is like a lightning that hits me in the heart.
It took me a year to finally get your attention. It took me 4 months to finally have the courage to ask you out. It took me 3 months to ask if you can be my girlfriend but it only took me a month to keep it that way.
I didn’t hurt you and it was never my intention to hurt you. You were just hurt by the circumstances. You are that person whom I have been dreaming to have, whom I have been dreaming to be with but I was a coward to fight for you. I regret the fact that instead of fighting for what we have, I fought with you.
You have reminded me how it was like to be loved. You have reminded me how wonderful the feeling is when you are with the person you love who loves you back. You have made me feel really special to the point that I became so confident that you’re mine and failed to take care of what we have. I have failed you and now I am once again a stranger to you.
I knew you were that person that got away because I know, we were separated by circumstances and not because one of us cheated. Because you are still that person I think about at night. You are still that person I keep on seeing my future with. The kind of love I had with you is different. It felt so right.
You are that person who understood all the bad things that had happened in my life and never judged me. You are that person who allowed me to live my life again after being in the darkness for years. You fixed me. You rescued me from myself. You simply are that great but I failed to see that because I always think of myself, my own happiness. I knew you loved me and because of loving me too much, I can see you get emotionally hurt because of me but you never gave up. You have always been there for me but I had to give you up because you are becoming a victim of my own messy life. I loved you, I still do and I forever will.
When I told you I don’t love you anymore, I lied. I loved you so much and it breaks my heart to see you in tears and walk away. I can see that you’re happy now. I can see how you rise after every fall. I can see how positive your outlook in life is. And I regret that I will never be a part of your happiness anymore.
The greatest lie that I have said in my life was when I said I don’t love you anymore. You might never know how much my decision hurt me. How much tears I have spilled that I had to go back to the darkness and embrace the fucked up life I had before I met you.
I wish circumstances would have been different. I wish life will give me one more chance to be with you. I wish by then I’d be brave but as what you have kept on telling me when you’re trying to lift me up, opportunities come only once. You are that wonderful opportunity that I missed it. I had the chance but I wasted it.
You are life’s greatest lesson to me. You could’ve been the most wonderful gift life has given me but my own actions made you a lesson instead.
Would you go for the typical girl who would make your life smooth sailing or would you go for a girl who will keep on pushing you to become better?
The typical girl is the wife material. She is the one who would dine out with you, who would let you decide where to go, who would always be there to support you. The decision is all yours. She’ll just be there to stay beside you.
A complicated girl is the one who always has something to say. She’s opinionated, she’s smart. She will question your beliefs and ideas. She’s the type who would keep pushing you to become better. She’s the one you can sit with and discuss politics, comment about the economy and is never afraid to say what’s on her mind. She will tell you what you’re doing wrong, but she’ll also acknowledge the things you are doing perfectly. For a bitchy girl, improvements should never stop. She’s never satisfied, she always craves for more.
The typical girl is the one you can bring to a party, she’ll just sit beside you, say hello to your friends and will never let go of your hand. She’s your plus one.
A complicated girl is the one who can be herself on a party even when she’s with you. She can hold conversations to everyone even when you are talking to your friends, she’s okay to be left alone because she knows, and she can stand on her own. She is your plus one but can stand on her own.
The typical girl is very relaxing to be with. She’ll cook for you, she’ll clean your mess, and she’s willing to give up her career for you while a complicated girl will teach you to become independent. Do your shit and I’ll do mine kind of girl. She believes that being a wife is not just about cooking and becoming domesticated. She has her own career and believes in gender equality. If you’re tired, she’ll do the household chores and if she’s tired, you’ll do the same.
The typical girl runs after you when you want to leave her. Her jealousy over the women around you leads her closer to you. A complicated girl is the smart bitchy type. She knows there’s no need to run after anyone. Intimidation is not in her vocabulary. Once she finds out you’re trying to make her jealous, she’ll leave you. Because that is a clear indication that you are underestimating her smart ass. She knows she deserves better.
The easy girl is the pleasing type. She’ll tell you how good-looking you are. She’ll tell you that you will always look good no matter what you’re wearing.
The complicated girl is not afraid to tell you how you really look like because she knows, it is not only her that will see you and so she wants you to look good not just in her eyes but to everyone.
A man will always want a simple girl to have a simple easy life. But a real man would want a girl who would challenge him every day, who would push him to continuously improve.
A man would not want an opinionated, smart girl. He’ll get tired of discussions about what’s going on in the world. He wants someone who he just sleeps with at night without working hard for it. A real man believes that the challenge should not stop after getting the girl. She wants a girl that he works hard for every single day.
A man wants to be a step higher her girl. He doesn’t want to be challenged and confronted but only a real man would accept the fact that his girl is smarter than him and he’ll be proud of it because he knows that the kind of girl you’re with speaks a lot about his own personality.
It is difficult to be with a complicated girl, it requires hard work and a lot of intelligence. Not everyone can handle complicated girls. It may be easy to get a complicated girl’s attention but keeping her interested is the challenge.
The easy girl is your other half while the complicated girl is her own self. If you don’t know how to handle a complicated girl, you will feel like a failure when she started talking. But once you have become a person of your own, armed with the right amount of confidence, you will find complicated girls more satisfying.
Would you go for the easy girl or the complicated one?
That’s so cute of you to even try. I admire your effort. I admire how you wanted to understand my world and with that, I want you to know that I will try my best to understand yours too.
I am currently at my worst and you stick by my side. My mood swings, they’ve been there all this time. A lot of people have given up on me but you have managed to cheer me up even if I tell you not to talk to me because I’m not in the mood to talk. Because I am in my not-so-friendly episode of my life.
I love seeing you try to understand my world. I love seeing you share the same world as mine. I love it when we never run out of stories to tell every day. I love everything that’s going on. I love how we listen to music together. It makes me even happier to know that we share a lot of things in common. You’re making me happy.
Yes, it’s been weeks. Are you not happy? I feel that finally, I found this person who understands me. I feel that you are slowly bringing back the best in me. I feel that you helped a lot in my journey to recovery. Thank you.
As for your question, this will lead you to becoming a writer just like me. Kidding. But yes, you are beginning to love reading as much as I love reading. You are slowly learning where I’m getting my writing inspiration from. You are slowly becoming the person that I might fall in love with. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, not that soon, but someday. Someday when I am 100% sure that I am once again ready to be in a relationship.
To tell you honestly, you can be that person that I can fall in love with but I know that I am not capable of becoming a girlfriend to anyone just yet. After all the failed relationships I have had in my past, I begin to question myself. I started asking why my relationships keep on failing in spite of trying my best to make it work and I can’t help but blame myself.
The baggage that I have from my past is way too heavy to resolve in silence. I know and I am aware that once you enter a new relationship, we are not supposed to carry the baggage from our past. But now I wonder: should it really be that? Because if that is the case, no one would really understand what I’m going through and no one would never really understand how they can help me get through it. I need help, I admit it.
My fear of having another heartache led me to always freak one when my current would do something that reminds me of my past. No matter how small of a thing that could be, I think way beyond what’s in front of my eyes. Maybe that was just me being so careful of another massive fall that not all people would understand. Not everyone would understand where my fear is coming from because they have never felt the pain I had in my past.
I know that my failed relationships were because of my walls being too high to let anyone in. I tried, but there is this part of me that is still too scared to completely let someone in. Maybe because I am scared or it could be that I am not yet ready to be with someone new and I am not yet ready to extend my patience to anyone who has the capability to break me once again. I am scared. My failures have turned me into a solid rock that no one could break. I realized that I should guard myself, that I should not let anyone break me again. That I should always keep my head on top of my heart.
Before I left for Phuket, in spite of me telling you that I don’t want to spend those times with you, you told me that you’ll wait. Thank you. But a lot of them have already told me that, including the person who I least expect would break me once again; that person who once told me that I am not just a girl who he met at the bar or at the beach. I am his childhood friend; that I am that special, that fragile that he can’t afford to break. I believed him, and look at me now.
Well, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it really wasn’t his intention to hurt me. Maybe he just does not know me too well to the point that instances like those, instead of bringing me closer to him will just push me away. I am a freak who always freaks out just to keep myself safe from heartbreak.
I know it’s not that easy to love someone like me and I don’t want you to feel the hassle of going through hell because of loving someone as guarded as I am. But this I am sure of: once you have learned how to deal with a person with a lot of baggage like me, and once you have gathered all the patience in the world in your hands, everything will slowly fall into place. I am not broken. Those people who have tried to break me made me so tough to the point that I became solid as a rock.
I don’t want anyone to fix me. All I need is someone who will love me while I try to fix myself.
It is only me who can do that and it is the other person’s patience with me that will help me do it faster.
This will take time – longer than anyone would expect. I know I am not yet ready but I know I am happy because of you.
Sa masakit na pagkatalo ng UP: Minsan lang tayo gumamit ng puso. Minsan lang. Laging utak. Oo laging utak. Pero alam naman natin yan, pag ginamitan mo ng puso, uuwi kang luhaan. Ramdam kita UP, gumamit na rin ako ng puso at nasaktan.