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Dear Franco,

That’s so cute of you to even try. I admire your effort. I admire how you wanted to understand my world and with that, I want you to know that I will try my best to understand yours too.

I am currently at my worst and you stick by my side. My mood swings, they’ve been there all this time. A lot of people have given up on me but you have managed to cheer me up even if I tell you not to talk to me because I’m not in the mood to talk. Because I am in my not-so-friendly episode of my life.

I love seeing you try to understand my world. I love seeing you share the same world as mine. I love it when we never run out of stories to tell every day. I love everything that’s going on. I love how we listen to music together. It makes me even happier to know that we share a lot of things in common. You’re making me happy.

Yes, it’s been weeks. Are you not happy? I feel that finally, I found this person who understands me. I feel that you are slowly bringing back the best in me. I feel that you helped a lot in my journey to recovery. Thank you.

As for your question, this will lead you to becoming a writer just like me. Kidding. But yes, you are beginning to love reading as much as I love reading. You are slowly learning where I’m getting my writing inspiration from. You are slowly becoming the person that I might fall in love with. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, not that soon, but someday. Someday when I am 100% sure that I am once again ready to be in a relationship.

To tell you honestly, you can be that person that I can fall in love with but I know that I am not capable of becoming a girlfriend to anyone just yet. After all the failed relationships I have had in my past, I begin to question myself. I started asking why my relationships keep on failing in spite of trying my best to make it work and I can’t help but blame myself.

The baggage that I have from my past is way too heavy to resolve in silence. I know and I am aware that once you enter a new relationship, we are not supposed to carry the baggage from our past. But now I wonder: should it really be that? Because if that is the case, no one would really understand what I’m going through and no one would never really understand how they can help me get through it. I need help, I admit it.

My fear of having another heartache led me to always freak one when my current would do something that reminds me of my past. No matter how small of a thing that could be, I think way beyond what’s in front of my eyes. Maybe that was just me being so careful of another massive fall that not all people would understand. Not everyone would understand where my fear is coming from because they have never felt the pain I had in my past.

I know that my failed relationships were because of my walls being too high to let anyone in. I tried, but there is this part of me that is still too scared to completely let someone in. Maybe because I am scared or it could be that I am not yet ready to be with someone new and I am not yet ready to extend my patience to anyone who has the capability to break me once again. I am scared. My failures have turned me into a solid rock that no one could break. I realized that I should guard myself, that I should not let anyone break me again. That I should always keep my head on top of my heart.

Before I left for Phuket, in spite of me telling you that I don’t want to spend those times with you, you told me that you’ll wait. Thank you. But a lot of them have already told me that, including the person who I least expect would break me once again; that person who once told me that I am not just a girl who he met at the bar or at the beach. I am his childhood friend; that I am that special, that fragile that he can’t afford to break. I believed him, and look at me now.

Well, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it really wasn’t his intention to hurt me. Maybe he just does not know me too well to the point that instances like those, instead of bringing me closer to him will just push me away. I am a freak who always freaks out just to keep myself safe from heartbreak.

I know it’s not that easy to love someone like me and I don’t want you to feel the hassle of going through hell because of loving someone as guarded as I am. But this I am sure of: once you have learned how to deal with a person with a lot of baggage like me, and once you have gathered all the patience in the world in your hands, everything will slowly fall into place. I am not broken. Those people who have tried to break me made me so tough to the point that I became solid as a rock.

I don’t want anyone to fix me. All I need is someone who will love me while I try to fix myself.

It is only me who can do that and it is the other person’s patience with me that will help me do it faster.

This will take time – longer than anyone would expect. I know I am not yet ready but I know I am happy because of you.
-C

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