He is not that person who you’ll fall in love at first sight. He’s not even that person I planned to fall in love with. But it happened.
I remember the first time that I saw him. His hair is dripping wet as I have arrived in surprise. He has not even had breakfast. The moment I sat at his bar, the first thing that came out of my mouth was I am hungry and that is how we started our day.
The day that I first saw him, he cannot even look at me in the eye. Whenever he’ll be talking to me, he would either be looking at his glass of water or somewhere else. Being that person who wants to know someone before falling in love, I always look at him in the eye. Watch his every action and evaluate him from there.
I knew I wasn’t ready but I also knew right from the start that this guy is definitely someone who I can fall in love with. I just didn’t want to entertain the thought of falling in love with him for several reasons – he is so fragile and I can see through his eyes that he does not deserve someone who will not love him completely. He deserves someone who will take care of him, someone who will bring his broken pieces back together and I am not yet that person. My relationship has just ended and I am still so vulnerable that giving him the chance might break him even more. So I stayed away. I always push him away whenever he’ll try to build a connection and start a conversation.
Months have passed. I have broken the hearts of different good people. I have given false hopes to those people who crossed my path but he is just so special to me that I cannot make him one of them. And so in spite of him trying, I kept pushing him away for I believe that it’s better that way than grab the chance and waste it.
He kept on coming back for me while I am slowly picking myself up. It took me almost a year to finally overcome the feeling I had from a failed relationship and from then on, I started to appreciate every little thing he’s doing for me and I am no longer pushing him away.
I can now see his long eyelashes, his pointed nose, his perfect teeth and lips. I can now see how matured he is when handling conflicts. I can now see how he supports his family and be a man for them. I can now see how he manages his time for his family, for his friends and for his business and I can also see that he’s not happy – that there is still something missing.
I check on him every day while pretending that I don’t really care. But he is just so persistent that I can no longer resist the feeling of falling in love. That I can no longer deny that I have already entertained the thought. That I am already letting him in.
I realized I have been playing hard to get for so long. That I have been giving him a hard time already. After more than a year, I realized I’m falling in love with how he strokes his hair, how he smiles from my silly jokes. I realized that I am falling in love with his mere presence. I am falling in love with his giggles and whispers. I am falling in love with how he spends time to understand those things that keep me interested, those stories I read, those political issues I discuss, current events, those games I play. I know I’m falling in love and I know I am not supposed to fail him.
I am scared, not for me but for him. I am scared that I might disappoint him. I am scared that I might lose focus and hurt him. I am scared that our differences will hurt him. But I have fallen. I wasn’t strong enough to resist it. I know that I have fallen for him. Completely.
Once again, I felt complete. He has filled in the gaps and broke my walls. I am in love with him in so many ways, so many reasons. I know I cannot write everything here but falling in love with him is one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. I know I’m safe. I know I am being loved. I know he will not hurt me. I know I don’t need to check on him every hour to remind him that I exist. I know that I fell in love with the right person. I know he will not take me for granted. I can feel how much he loves me and I feel so lucky. I feel secured. I feel confident. I fell in love with the kind of love he has in him, the kind of love that he’s willing to share with me.
Even though I’m not much into drama, I want him to know that I will do my best to be the best person for him. That I will never run out of reasons to fall in love with him every day. That this time, someone will be taking care of him. That this time, we will bring that confidence back, we will face life’s challenges together.
Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.