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This is when I stopped.

I loved you.
For several years, I loved you.
I yearned for you.
I believed that we were meant for each other,
that no matter what life brings,
at the end of the day, it will still be us.

I broke hearts because I believed that my heart belongs only to you.
That no matter who’s in front of me, no matter how well I am being treated, I will leave, because my heart leads me to no one else but you.

But we reached that point when you made me question my worth. When you took my love for granted and made me feel that loving me is a burden to you.

This is when I stopped.

Because I should never fight for a place in your heart.
Because I should never beg for you stay.
Because I hate proving myself.
Because I hate proving my worth.
Because I hate the feeling that I am not good enough.

I am letting go of the memories we’ve had.
I am letting go of the memories I have long been holding on to.
I am letting go of the the thought that you’re the one meant for me.

This is when I stopped.

I have untangled the knots that bound me to you.
I have accepted the thought that at least, our paths crossed.
That at least, I have shared my life with you.
That at least, you have experienced how it was like to be loved by someone like me.

I will always cherish the kind of love that we once have. I will always cherish the kind of love that I was willing to give you. You will always be special to me but this time, my heart won’t be beating for you anymore. My heart won’t be waiting for you anymore. It will beat on its own. It will beat because it is built that way, and it will beat to keep me going.

 

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Only Real Love Can Make You Fall In Love

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Credits to the owner of this photo.

He is not that person who you’ll fall in love at first sight. He’s not even that person I planned to fall in love with. But it happened.

I remember the first time that I saw him. His hair is dripping wet as I have arrived in surprise. He has not even had breakfast. The moment I sat at his bar, the first thing that came out of my mouth was I am hungry and that is how we started our day.

The day that I first saw him, he cannot even look at me in the eye. Whenever he’ll be talking to me, he would either be looking at his glass of water or somewhere else. Being that person who wants to know someone before falling in love, I always look at him in the eye. Watch his every action and evaluate him from there.

I knew I wasn’t ready but I also knew right from the start that this guy is definitely someone who I can fall in love with. I just didn’t want to entertain the thought of falling in love with him for several reasons – he is so fragile and I can see through his eyes that he does not deserve someone who will not love him completely. He deserves someone who will take care of him, someone who will bring his broken pieces back together and I am not yet that person. My relationship has just ended and I am still so vulnerable that giving him the chance might break him even more. So I stayed away. I always push him away whenever he’ll try to build a connection and start a conversation.

Months have passed. I have broken the hearts of different good people. I have given false hopes to those people who crossed my path but he is just so special to me that I cannot make him one of them. And so in spite of him trying, I kept pushing him away for I believe that it’s better that way than grab the chance and waste it.

He kept on coming back for me while I am slowly picking myself up. It took me almost a year to finally overcome the feeling I had from a failed relationship and from then on, I started to appreciate every little thing he’s doing for me and I am no longer pushing him away.

I can now see his long eyelashes, his pointed nose, his perfect teeth and lips. I can now see how matured he is when handling conflicts. I can now see how he supports his family and be a man for them. I can now see how he manages his time for his family, for his friends and for his business and I can also see that he’s not happy – that there is still something missing.

I check on him every day while pretending that I don’t really care. But he is just so persistent that I can no longer resist the feeling of falling in love. That I can no longer deny that I have already entertained the thought. That I am already letting him in.

I realized I have been playing hard to get for so long. That I have been giving him a hard time already. After more than a year, I realized I’m falling in love with how he strokes his hair, how he smiles from my silly jokes. I realized that I am falling in love with his mere presence. I am falling in love with his giggles and whispers. I am falling in love with how he spends time to understand those things that keep me interested, those stories I read, those political issues I discuss, current events, those games I play. I know I’m falling in love and I know I am not supposed to fail him.

I am scared, not for me but for him. I am scared that I might disappoint him. I am scared that I might lose focus and hurt him. I am scared that our differences will hurt him. But I have fallen. I wasn’t strong enough to resist it. I know that I have fallen for him. Completely.

Once again, I felt complete. He has filled in the gaps and broke my walls. I am in love with him in so many ways, so many reasons. I know I cannot write everything here but falling in love with him is one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. I know I’m safe. I know I am being loved. I know he will not hurt me. I know I don’t need to check on him every hour to remind him that I exist. I know that I fell in love with the right person. I know he will not take me for granted. I can feel how much he loves me and I feel so lucky. I feel secured. I feel confident. I fell in love with the kind of love he has in him, the kind of love that he’s willing to share with me.

Even though I’m not much into drama, I want him to know that I will do my best to be the best person for him. That I will never run out of reasons to fall in love with him every day. That this time, someone will be taking care of him. That this time, we will bring that confidence back, we will face life’s challenges together.

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

To “The One That Got Away”

Credits to the owner of this photo
Credits to the owner of this photo

This is a letter sent anonymously through one of my social media accounts and I can’t help but publish this. Everything that’s written is like a lightning that hits me in the heart. 

It took me a year to finally get your attention. It took me 4 months to finally have the courage to ask you out. It took me 3 months to ask if you can be my girlfriend but it only took me a month to keep it that way.

I didn’t hurt you and it was never my intention to hurt you. You were just hurt by the circumstances. You are that person whom I have been dreaming to have, whom I have been dreaming to be with but I was a coward to fight for you. I regret the fact that instead of fighting for what we have, I fought with you.

You have reminded me how it was like to be loved. You have reminded me how wonderful the feeling is when you are with the person you love who loves you back. You have made me feel really special to the point that I became so confident that you’re mine and failed to take care of what we have. I have failed you and now I am once again a stranger to you.

I knew you were that person that got away because I know, we were separated by circumstances and not because one of us cheated. Because you are still that person I think about at night. You are still that person I keep on seeing my future with. The kind of love I had with you is different. It felt so right.

You are that person who understood all the bad things that had happened in my life and never judged me. You are that person who allowed me to live my life again after being in the darkness for years. You fixed me. You rescued me from myself. You simply are that great but I failed to see that because I always think of myself, my own happiness. I knew you loved me and because of loving me too much, I can see you get emotionally hurt because of me but you never gave up. You have always been there for me but I had to give you up because you are becoming a victim of my own messy life. I loved you, I still do and I forever will.

When I told you I don’t love you anymore, I lied. I loved you so much and it breaks my heart to see you in tears and walk away. I can see that you’re happy now. I can see how you rise after every fall. I can see how positive your outlook in life is. And I regret that I will never be a part of your happiness anymore.

The greatest lie that I have said in my life was when I said I don’t love you anymore. You might never know how much my decision hurt me. How much tears I have spilled that I had to go back to the darkness and embrace the fucked up life I had before I met you.

I wish circumstances would have been different. I wish life will give me one more chance to be with you. I wish by then I’d be brave but as what you have kept on telling me when you’re trying to lift me up, opportunities come only once. You are that wonderful opportunity that I missed it. I had the chance but I wasted it.

You are life’s greatest lesson to me. You could’ve been the most wonderful gift life has given me but my own actions made you a lesson instead.

Easy-ordinary or Complicated ass?

Credits to the owner of this photo
Credits to the owner of this photo

Would you go for the typical girl who would make your life smooth sailing or would you go for a girl who will keep on pushing you to become better?

The typical girl is the wife material. She is the one who would dine out with you, who would let you decide where to go, who would always be there to support you. The decision is all yours. She’ll just be there to stay beside you.

A complicated girl is the one who always has something to say. She’s opinionated, she’s smart. She will question your beliefs and ideas. She’s the type who would keep pushing you to become better. She’s the one you can sit with and discuss politics, comment about the economy and is never afraid to say what’s on her mind. She will tell you what you’re doing wrong, but she’ll also acknowledge the things you are doing perfectly. For a bitchy girl, improvements should never stop. She’s never satisfied, she always craves for more.

The typical girl is the one you can bring to a party, she’ll just sit beside you, say hello to your friends and will never let go of your hand. She’s your plus one.

A complicated girl is the one who can be herself on a party even when she’s with you. She can hold conversations to everyone even when you are talking to your friends, she’s okay to be left alone because she knows, and she can stand on her own. She is your plus one but can stand on her own.

The typical girl is very relaxing to be with. She’ll cook for you, she’ll clean your mess, and she’s willing to give up her career for you while a complicated girl will teach you to become independent. Do your shit and I’ll do mine kind of girl. She believes that being a wife is not just about cooking and becoming domesticated. She has her own career and believes in gender equality. If you’re tired, she’ll do the household chores and if she’s tired, you’ll do the same.

The typical girl runs after you when you want to leave her. Her jealousy over the women around you leads her closer to you. A complicated girl is the smart bitchy type. She knows there’s no need to run after anyone. Intimidation is not in her vocabulary. Once she finds out you’re trying to make her jealous, she’ll leave you. Because that is a clear indication that you are underestimating her smart ass. She knows she deserves better.

The easy girl is the pleasing type. She’ll tell you how good-looking you are. She’ll tell you that you will always look good no matter what you’re wearing.

The complicated girl is not afraid to tell you how you really look like because she knows, it is not only her that will see you and so she wants you to look good not just in her eyes but to everyone.

A man will always want a simple girl to have a simple easy life. But a real man would want a girl who would challenge him every day, who would push him to continuously improve.

A man would not want an opinionated, smart girl. He’ll get tired of discussions about what’s going on in the world. He wants someone who he just sleeps with at night without working hard for it. A real man believes that the challenge should not stop after getting the girl. She wants a girl that he works hard for every single day.

A man wants to be a step higher her girl. He doesn’t want to be challenged and confronted but only a real man would accept the fact that his girl is smarter than him and he’ll be proud of it because he knows that the kind of girl you’re with speaks a lot about his own personality.

It is difficult to be with a complicated girl, it requires hard work and a lot of intelligence. Not everyone can handle complicated girls. It may be easy to get a complicated girl’s attention but keeping her interested is the challenge.

The easy girl is your other half while the complicated girl is her own self. If you don’t know how to handle a complicated girl, you will feel like a failure when she started talking. But once you have become a person of your own, armed with the right amount of confidence, you will find complicated girls more satisfying.

Would you go for the easy girl or the complicated one?

New Found Friend – Part 7 “Almost there”

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Dear Franco,

That’s so cute of you to even try. I admire your effort. I admire how you wanted to understand my world and with that, I want you to know that I will try my best to understand yours too.

I am currently at my worst and you stick by my side. My mood swings, they’ve been there all this time. A lot of people have given up on me but you have managed to cheer me up even if I tell you not to talk to me because I’m not in the mood to talk. Because I am in my not-so-friendly episode of my life.

I love seeing you try to understand my world. I love seeing you share the same world as mine. I love it when we never run out of stories to tell every day. I love everything that’s going on. I love how we listen to music together. It makes me even happier to know that we share a lot of things in common. You’re making me happy.

Yes, it’s been weeks. Are you not happy? I feel that finally, I found this person who understands me. I feel that you are slowly bringing back the best in me. I feel that you helped a lot in my journey to recovery. Thank you.

As for your question, this will lead you to becoming a writer just like me. Kidding. But yes, you are beginning to love reading as much as I love reading. You are slowly learning where I’m getting my writing inspiration from. You are slowly becoming the person that I might fall in love with. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, not that soon, but someday. Someday when I am 100% sure that I am once again ready to be in a relationship.

To tell you honestly, you can be that person that I can fall in love with but I know that I am not capable of becoming a girlfriend to anyone just yet. After all the failed relationships I have had in my past, I begin to question myself. I started asking why my relationships keep on failing in spite of trying my best to make it work and I can’t help but blame myself.

The baggage that I have from my past is way too heavy to resolve in silence. I know and I am aware that once you enter a new relationship, we are not supposed to carry the baggage from our past. But now I wonder: should it really be that? Because if that is the case, no one would really understand what I’m going through and no one would never really understand how they can help me get through it. I need help, I admit it.

My fear of having another heartache led me to always freak one when my current would do something that reminds me of my past. No matter how small of a thing that could be, I think way beyond what’s in front of my eyes. Maybe that was just me being so careful of another massive fall that not all people would understand. Not everyone would understand where my fear is coming from because they have never felt the pain I had in my past.

I know that my failed relationships were because of my walls being too high to let anyone in. I tried, but there is this part of me that is still too scared to completely let someone in. Maybe because I am scared or it could be that I am not yet ready to be with someone new and I am not yet ready to extend my patience to anyone who has the capability to break me once again. I am scared. My failures have turned me into a solid rock that no one could break. I realized that I should guard myself, that I should not let anyone break me again. That I should always keep my head on top of my heart.

Before I left for Phuket, in spite of me telling you that I don’t want to spend those times with you, you told me that you’ll wait. Thank you. But a lot of them have already told me that, including the person who I least expect would break me once again; that person who once told me that I am not just a girl who he met at the bar or at the beach. I am his childhood friend; that I am that special, that fragile that he can’t afford to break. I believed him, and look at me now.

Well, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it really wasn’t his intention to hurt me. Maybe he just does not know me too well to the point that instances like those, instead of bringing me closer to him will just push me away. I am a freak who always freaks out just to keep myself safe from heartbreak.

I know it’s not that easy to love someone like me and I don’t want you to feel the hassle of going through hell because of loving someone as guarded as I am. But this I am sure of: once you have learned how to deal with a person with a lot of baggage like me, and once you have gathered all the patience in the world in your hands, everything will slowly fall into place. I am not broken. Those people who have tried to break me made me so tough to the point that I became solid as a rock.

I don’t want anyone to fix me. All I need is someone who will love me while I try to fix myself.

It is only me who can do that and it is the other person’s patience with me that will help me do it faster.

This will take time – longer than anyone would expect. I know I am not yet ready but I know I am happy because of you.
-C

New Found Friend – Part 6 “The Letters Series”

New Found Friend – Part 5 “Rise and Shine”

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Claire was supposed to spend the long weekend with Franco but because of the kiss, Claire realized that it is not right to spend 2 days with someone who’s in love with her.

That vacation that she has planned is for her to clear her head and not to fall in love again, or to have a rebound guy or whatsoever. Claire wants peace and she wants to free herself from the stress of her past relationship.

“Hey, I don’t think spending the weekend together is a good idea.” said Claire

“Why? But it was all planned.”

“I know. But remember, we planned that when I still see you as a friend but since you’ve confessed, I think you’re not the right person to spend those days with. If you really want me to be okay, you will let me be. I need this Franco, please understand.”

“Okay. If that’s what you want.”

“Thank you. You do know that this is better than keep hurting those people around me, including you, right?”

“Yes. Get in touch once in a while Claire. You do know that wherever you go, you always get men’s attention in spite of not doing anything. Please be careful and talk to me every now and then so I won’t worry too much, okay?”

“I will. Thank you, Franco.”

Claire flew to Phuket alone. She didn’t tell anyone where she’s going. She didn’t take photos. She was there to think. She didn’t even send a single message to Franco, or to anyone.

2 days and it’s time to go back home.


It a perfect day for Claire. She woke up at the right side of the bed. A few things she realized after the long weekend vacation:

  1. She does not have to live in hate.
  2. Hating someone for hurting you is a sign of weakness.
  3. She has forgiven everyone. When she said everyone that means everyone; from the past, no matter how many years have passed.
  4. She’ll face her fear and begin to test her discipline. There’s no need to block anyone, it is just a matter of discipline and respect to herself.
  5. No regrets. Everything happened for a reason. She has to accept that pain is part of everyone’s life, for them to become stronger and more firm with their principles.
  6. Principles. Yes. Principles. A broken heart should never lead her to doing anything that she might regret in the future.
  7. Make peace with her past, move on and face the future with pride and more love.

After having thought of everything, Claire rushed to her work table and turned her laptop on. She remembered writing her New Year’s resolution around the same time last year. She wanted to check if she has accomplished what she has written last year.

Claire wrote last year:

2015 resolution

She did pretty well this year in terms of those she’s listed so she decided to make a check list. Reality check, that is.

  • I will be the best person that I could be.

I’ve given the best version of myself to everyone. I’ve tried to become better if someone say’s I’m doing something wrong. Hmn.. I was at my best when I was with John.

  • I will give the best love and will never get tired of loving people.

I did. I loved him so much. I’ve given all that I know can make my man happy. In spite of seeing the relationship to not work, I never stopped holding on – even without constant communication. I kept my words.

  • I will give the best relationships, bring out the best in all the people I love and care the most.

I might have failed on this one but at least I’ve tried my best. Maybe, it’s just not meant to be and maybe it’s all about the clashing personalities.

  • I will be confident as I always had been. There will be no room for insecurities, depressions and anxiety.

I have always been the confident girl. I do not want to be compared to anyone because I know how different and rare of a person I am. If you had me in your life, I know you can never find someone else like me. Never. (Confidence is the key.)

  • I will ditch everything that is capable of causing stress and sadness.

I did. No further explanations needed.

  • I will look at life in the most positive way.

I might have thought that life is unfair, but I managed to get up and realize what I have written last year. Thanks to writing, I always get reminded of what’s out there, what happened in the past. They remind me of both the wonderful and saddest things in my life.

  • Whatever it is that caused me pain in 2014, I will treat them as a lesson, an experience that made me an even better person.

I did. Always lessons charged to experience.

  • If I have given a lot of love this 2014, this 2015, I will give even more.

I did. If you only knew how much love I’d given to just one person.

  • Never hate anyone from 2014. They were there for a reason.

I did. In fact, I am now friends with all my exes. Even the evilest of them all and I can even treat what had happened before as a joke.

Ex: O wala ka na yatang hugot/bitter posts ngayon?

Claire: Syempre, wala ka na sa buhay ko e. High five!

  • Family first.

Of course.

Christmas is just around the corner. Christmas songs are now playing everywhere. In spite of losing John, Claire believes that there’s no reason to be sad. She’ll be making the best out of everything and will start all over again. She believes that in due time, the right love will find her. No rush. That the next person she’ll fall in love with will experience the improved version of Claire.

Claire is smiling. The vacation must have helped her a lot.

  

“I will fall in love again. At the right time. If my ex didn’t do what he did, I will not meet my true love.”

To the girl who has been cheated on

sad woman in depression and despair crying on black dark background
Credits to the owner of this photo

Dear Monica,

I understand that you are fighting for your man. I understand how it feels like to be cheated on, to be taken for granted. I have felt that too and it was never easy. When I first found out about the Nicole (other girl), I was in denial. I don’t want to accept the fact that someone is cheating. I don’t want the stress, that in spite of all those proofs, I never bothered to try to find out about the truth not until one day that this girl has gotten into my nerves. I have been called names by that “girl”. I looked like a helpless creature trying to fight for something that I should have.

I have become a monster. I lost my poise. I appeared very uneducated to be fighting over a man who cheated on me.

I was a mess. I have been crying for months but I am not yet ready to talk about it. All I needed then were friends who would laugh while I was crying. I didn’t want to go into details. All I wanted then was to cry. I remember a close friend told me:

“If you can’t talk about it, just write it. Anonymously.”

A man when caught cheating will always look like a cute, innocent pup. “It will never happen again, I’m sorry.” And you will be like, “let’s start all over again. Let’s forget that it happened.” But deep inside, the pain’s still there. You are still under the state of denial because you know that what he did can never bring your perfect relationship back.

Trust is very difficult to earn, break it once and you can never have it again.

We always wanted to be that someone our man will choose after all these battles but come to think of it, is he really worth fighting for? Or was it just about feeding your ego? That in spite of having that Nicole, he still chose you. If he chooses to stay with you, it feels good but you won’t feel the peace that you deserve. The pain will forever haunt you. Walk away and let them be. They will never be happy; anything stolen can never make anyone really happy. Trust me on this one; I had once been the other girl too!

As for me, I have learned my lesson. Never will I allow myself to become a “Monica” again. One instance of cheating, I will definitely leave you with nothing. I know I deserve better.

I have forgiven my Adrian, I have forgiven Nicole. But I am not forgetting what they did to me.
Love,
Claire

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” but never will there be a second chance.

A Letter to the Rebound

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Dear Rebound Guy,

It’s been a while since we last talked. I haven’t had the chance to tell you how sorry I am for what had happened between us but I want you to know that you are not at all taken for granted.

When we started seeing each other, you already know what I have been going through. You already know that I have been holding on to something that does not exist, and so you helped me forget about it and continue with my life.

Being the rebound guy does not always have a happy ending. For some people, yes, they ended up marrying each other because all the love that was supposed to be given to the ex was given to you but we also have to remember that it is not always the case.

Although rebounds help people forget about their exes and move on, it can also lead them to realize that they love their exes so much that no person can replace them. A rebound is all good for broken hearts when the guy has most, if not all, passed the other person’s standards. If you know how far you are, or how far he is as a person from you, then you must know what to do.

I know you have always told me that my ex is far better off as a person compared to you but you are more than willing to take the risk – that you are willing to take the challenge of making your dream girl fall in love with you. But, I am an adult. An adult who no longer believes in the “you and me against the world” quote.

You have made a lot of special things for me, but I failed to appreciate everything because my attention is somewhere else. While you are waiting for me to call you, while you are waiting for me to come home, I was out drinking beers with the thought that I am not happy with what I have been doing. I know and I am aware that you have tried to be with me, to do everything just to be with me and it was me who resisted all your efforts. It is not because I didn’t want to see you. It is because I know how limited your capabilities are in spite of having the drive to see me and I don’t want you to cross that line simply because I know that I am not worth it. Because I know that I am not in love with you.

I cannot really say that I no longer love my ex but I cannot also say that I am in love with you. I am sorry if we ended up like this but I am thankful that through your help, I realized that I am not that person who would choose to be in a relationship in spite of knowing that it will lead nowhere. I wanted to be the truest version of myself to you; because you deserve it, because I failed to love you, because that is the only thing that I can give you. And with that, I want to say thank you. Thank you for staying by my side when I was at my worst. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for seeing that beauty in me which I myself failed to see. Thank you for making me feel appreciated.

I didn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t want to show you that I appreciated your efforts simply because I am afraid it might send wrong signals. I have to stay away from you because I can see that I am beginning to destroy you and I can’t afford to see you like that because of me, because of my selfishness.

I want you to move on. I want you to stop loving me. I want you to stop hoping that there will be “us”. I want you to become the person that you once were before you met me. Maybe for now, you’ll hate me for hurting you. I tried to forget him. I tried to like you. I honestly did.

I am sorry but to tell you honestly, I can’t see my future with you in it.

Sincerely,
Claire

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